Did you ever read, “The Book of Questions?” The entire book is simply questions. Some of them aren’t easily answered questions. Actually, I thought about one question yesterday afternoon. I’m not sure why it came to mind, but once I had it in my head, it was difficult to totally dismiss it. Apparently, it hung around through the night. I know, you are wondering if I’m going to get around to sharing the question?
Okay, I predict that some of you will ponder this one for a long time. Here’s the situation:
“You just found out from the hospital that they had a mix-up and that your one-year-old son is someone else’s child. Would you want to trade back and undo the mix-up? Give it some thought before you answer.
Writing the question down reminds me of why the question came to mind yesterday. In response to yesterday’s blog, a friend mentioned that he was five-years-old when his parents divorced. His mother subsequently remarried and he was raised by his mom and step-father.
Back in the 1950s, the concept of shared custody of children following a divorce was fairly unheard of as an arrangement for moving forward. Sometime father figures fell off the screen and were no longer anything other than a memory. That has to be tough for kids. Whether that was true of my friend’s experience, I don’t know, but it prompted thinking.
Expectations considering custody and the importance of on-going contact in the lives of both parents is now considered the norm. It hasn’t always been that way. What were we thinking?
Best practice is always a process and it changes over time. Having been involved with child welfare services all of my life, change has been slow, but it has been dramatic. When I started to work as a child protective services worker over forty-eight years ago, one of the first things I learned in training was the prohibition for a foster parent to be considered as a possible adoption resource. We were instructed in new worker orientation and regularly on an on-going basis that if we ever heard a foster parent mention the desire to be considered as an adoptive parent for a child placed in their home, we were to move the child.
I’m grateful today that we have a better understanding related to attachment and the harm incurred to both children and adults when they are separated from the significant people in their life.
Another pervasive change that has taken place in services to children relates to the kind of acceptance and support garnered related to open adoption. An open adoption is where both the birth mother and the adoptive parents have an opportunity to know each other and establish parameters where the birth family can be a resource in contributing to the well-being of the child. In earlier years that was not even a consideration. In fact, there was a cloak of secrecy permanently surrounding adoption. The records were sealed and information contained in the file was held "off-limits" in confines of court documents forever more. It was just the way we chose to do things based on what was believed to be best practice.
Ancestry.com and Twenty-three and Me have turned that kind of secrecy on its heels. The changes have been abrupt and the information plentiful. I have a friend who is going in September to meet an older half sibling that lives in Santa Fe. He didn't know know she existed until recently. In early childhood, he and his four siblings were placed in a children’s home where they subsequently grew up. Actually, they flourished in that environment. Their single mother’s propensity for a drink negated her ability to effectively ensure the needs of her children were met. Consequently, she protectively out-sourced that responsibility to the care of others. At the same time, she still maintained contact. She simply knew that they would be at risk if she were the primary caretaker. Never ever did the mother confide with any of her children that she placed a daughter for adoption before they were born.
Recently, my friend got word through Ancestry.com that there was a match. It was a half-sister who always knew she was adopted that was reaching out to discover what she could find out about her birth family. I’m sure she never initially considered it potentially could include as many half siblings as she discovered. In addition to my friend and his four siblings who grew up together in the children’s home, she discovered there was more. In fact, my friend's known sibling count of five expanded to the addition of four more that he never knew about.
That kind of news has to be a mixed blessing. Wow! can you imagine your family size doubling in space of seconds as DNA reports cling with a connective match. Something tells me that the secrecy concerning adoption is obsolete at best. It is new world and old ways of doing things are falling apart in the process.
All MY Best!
Don