Growing up in Odessa, Texas, I don’t think I ever had an opportunity to try crab cakes. Apparently West Texas is too far away from either coast. Consequently, I never developed a taste for seafood. I can describe in detail the way I want my New York strip cooked, but when it comes to seafood I’m out of my element. Some time ago the General (aka-my wife) and I had lobster at the home of friends. Embarrassingly, we had to be provided instructions on how to negotiate the meal. The only other time that I recall having eaten lobster was decades ago. I can’t remember where I was flying, but the airline served steak and lobster. I don’t remember being particularly impressed with either of the menu items. Perhaps airlines aren’t known for the being the best venue for food service.
One of my friends had mentioned earlier in the day that I write a blog. Consequently, during the course of our meal, we talked of many things. I repeatedly found myself saying, “I need to write that down. That would be a great topic for a blog”. If the General had been with us, I’d probably have been gently redirected. She would prefer to think I don’t filter every life experience through the lenses of possible topics for the next day’s blog. In my own defense, the process of writing goes more quickly when I sit down at the computer with a topic in mind. That doesn’t always happen.
Actually, in a quick makeshift apology to the three friends for mentioning possible blog topics, I explained that Treva gets frustrated with me when I do that. I mentioned again that I respond well to gentle redirection. The other guy at the table asked, “Why do you say that?” The question caught me off guard. I’d be in big trouble if I were asked to explain any number of things I hear myself saying; however, I use the line “gentle redirection” often. I gave his question some thought before I responded.
Gentle redirection works well with me because I am capable of hitting the reset button and doing it differently. I don’t mind being confronted with an occasional need for a “re-do”, but I don’t want to feel attacked or devalued as a person in the process. The General is always gentle in her redirection. It is one of her defining characteristics. I am a lucky guy.
I have a friend whose relationship is one I dearly value. On many occasions with my friend, I am the recipient of redirection, but it sometimes carries a sting with it. When redirection isn’t cloaked in gentleness, it feels more like an attack or assault to who I am as a person. Consequently, I emerge with a damaged ego and feel emotionally beaten and bruised in the process. It carries with it the unspoken innuendo that I can’t do anything right. It isn’t just awkward, it is also painful.
One of the topics I made a mental note to remember is the heading, “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk.” Of course, that is stating the obvious. Everyone knows that. Unfortunately not everyone knows the importance of gentleness in defining a relationship. Encouragement and hopefulness are key ingredients in bridging friendship to strengths and values that motive us to do it differently and do it better.
I did give one of my friends a difficult time at dinner. Hopefully, I did it gently. He and I have been really good friends for many years. Our friendship initially started out as a work related connection, but in the course of time it became a personal friendship that included our families. This evening before dinner, I had an opportunity to talk with my friend’s wife while he was in conversation with others. In the course of three minutes she told me things that I did not know. Actually the news she shared was major. I was surprised by the new knowledge of what was happening in their lives.
I guess it was an evening of surprises. She was surprised that I didn’t already know the news. Although I haven’t had the chance to visit with her in a very long time, I regularly see or talk with her husband on the phone. He had not shared the news with me. That, too, surprised her.
The first revelation that she shared is that they are eagerly looking forward to being grandparents again. This will be their first granddaughter. She couldn’t be more excited. Reportedly, the same is true for her husband. She’s already started knitting things for the baby. I would call that big news. I think most people would. I am surprised that I didn’t already know.
The second revelation she shared is also life changing. They are in the midst of building their retirement home. They’ve had their house plans designed by an architect, selected a decorator/design consultant and purchased property. That is a major life decision. I was surprised they are this far along in the project and I didn’t know.
In my friend’s defense, he did telephone me several times during the three week period when I couldn’t talk. Our time on the phone was pretty abbreviated. Maybe it had been his intent to share really big news with me during one of those calls.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. They also don’t withhold important personal information like the anticipation of a new grandchild or the building of their retirement home. Well, with the exception of letting friends drive drunk, maybe they do.
The long term gift of friendship provided me by my colleague and friend runs deep. He consistently is a source of encouragement and support. I have never had a conversation with him that left me feeling devalued or unimportant. In addition, his friendship makes my life better. I value his judgment. If I need wise counsel, he is one of the first people I’d opt to call. Across the decades that I’ve known him in both a work setting and as a personal friend, I have both experienced and observed he always supports the best interests of others. His mantra is simple, “Do the right thing for others.” I’ve seen it displayed in his life over and over again. His friendship is too important in my life to do anything other than provide him gentle redirection.
All My Best!
Don