Occasionally I listen to a radio talk show on my way to work. Today is the second time I’ve heard the “Waiting By The Phone” episode where a caller who is distraught because some anticipated response, action or expression of kindness has not taken place. The radio station initiates an on-the-air call to the individual who has not met the caller’s expectations and inquires why. The individual who is the participant in “Waiting by the Phone” is also on the line to hear the response.
Honestly, you’d have to be certifiably crazy or have “STUPID” tattooed on your forehead to be desperate enough to have a radio station attempt to intercede in your behalf. This morning’s caller was distraught because a very close friend was getting married and she had not been asked to serve as a bridesmaid. I listened long enough for the person called to answer the phone and then be told the nature of the call before I turned the radio off. I didn’t want to hear what I envisioned would be a very awkward and painful telephone conversation for one of the two parties.
Unfortunately, I didn’t wait long enough before I turned the radio back on. I heard the sound of, “I’ll wear my hair like a poodle if that’s what you want. I just want to honor you by being your bridesmaid.” Apparently the reason the person was not asked to be in the wedding party was because the bride-to-be wanted a certain look in her wedding pictures. The caller was more of a tomboy and her look would be incongruent with the preferred style of the day.
The conversation left a sick sensation in the pit of my stomach. How superficial and shallow! I painted them both with the same broad brush. Sadly, the reality is that many folks relationally don’t have any more regard for others than that.
I have worked with children and families in crisis all of my adult life. For many of those years, I mistakenly thought of the families I worked with as somehow being different from the norm of society. Fortunately, I’m still in the process of learning. In many regards, I’m pretty slow. Truthfully, I didn’t hit the “adolescent adjustment reaction” phase of life until I was over 30. (That is another story for another day.)
The turning point for me was a radio broadcast I listened to several years ago. The Book People in Austin were hosting a book signing by Linda Armstrong Kelly to promote her book: No Mountain High Enough: Raising Lance, Raising Me. To be honest, it was the “raising me” in the title of the book which caught my attention. Ideally, parenting requires the resources of folks who’ve mastered some degree of autonomy and independence.
I didn’t go to the book signing, but I did hear a radio interview as the author talked about her book. It was my sense that Linda Armstrong Kelly today shows no resemblance to the young mother she describes in her book. She was articulate, confident, humorous and optimistic. The story she shared of a sixteen year old unwed mother who was thrown from her home and subsequently moved from one abusive relationship to another was disturbing. Yet she was determined to overcome obstacles in order to make a life for herself and her son.
Shortly after hearing that interview, I was listening to another evening radio talk show inviting callers to share their favorite gift for Mother’s Day. The talk show host said last year she gave her mother a thoughtful list entitled “Things My Mother Did Right.”
The list brought tears to her mother’s eyes because for years her mother was quick to acknowledge that when it came to raising her family, she had made one mistake after another. From her mom’s perspective, she had done everything wrong. The radio host said that by the time her mother was eighteen years old, she had three children less than one year of age. She had an eleven month old and two newborn twin daughters.
Finally I connected the dots. I made an inventory of what some of the “normal families” I know are dealing with:
• I know three sets of grandparents, people about my age (actually, two sets are younger; one is older) who are providing homes for their grandchildren because their children either could not or would not accept the responsibility.
• I know a mother who has not seen her daughter in over ten years. She has no idea regarding her whereabouts.
• I have a friend who has been married six times and is currently estranged from his wife.
I finally connected the dots. It not about us and them. It is simply about us. All of us represent both strengths and weaknesses. We may be skilled at what we do, but we are not always going to do everything right.
o We aren’t going to live perfect lives.
o We are going to make mistakes along the way
o At times we are going to be both disappointed and disappointing.
Even in the most simple or perhaps the most complex arenas of life, we are going to encounter failure and disappointment, but that doesn’t mean we are relegated to stay there.
So how do we deal with the folks in our lives who leave us disappointed, anxious and waiting by the phone? I don’t recommend calling the radio station and asking to be the next participant on “Waiting by the Phone.” Problems are generally better solved in private through open communication and honesty. Seriously, we all want the same things. Life doesn’t have to be nearly as difficult as some people choose to make it. Simplify your life and keep your loved ones close.
All My Best!
Don